Shame. Everyone at some point or another has felt it. What most people don’t know, however, is that it can be destructive both to your well-being and to others.
Shame is not guilt.
While shame and guilt is used to describe similar feelings, they are very different in definition and connotation. It can be summed up by the words of Brené Brown, a qualitative researcher who studied vulnerability, in her TedTalk: The power of vulnerability. Guilt is “I’m sorry. I made a mistake,” whereas shame is “I’m sorry. I am a mistake.”
Guilt has a positive influence. Guilt makes us apologize or make amends for behavior that deviates from what we value, things we likely consider morally wrong. It corrects us to “repair the harm.” Shame, on the other hand, has a destructive influence. Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist and author, says “shame destroys a person’s self-esteem and sense of who they are… and can cause other issues like suicide, depression, and anger.”
Image Source: Martin Novak
Shame is an internalized state that can show externally.
When someone experiences shame, they tend to blame others to disown their own actions. For example, one who finds themselves inadequate may use manipulation to lower their partner’s self-esteem. This way, that partner will feel self-conscious and seek their approval, thus increasing their confidence and leaving the partner to be constantly blamed for any failures in the future. To escape shame, one will bolster their self-esteem by “finding flaws in others so that they become the one who is shameful.”
Shame can especially impact children. When parents shame children when they misbehave, they identify things that make them feel bad about who they are rather than what they did. Comments such as, “Are you that stupid?” or “Stop acting like a baby!” give children a negative view of themselves, and they consequently grow up more depressed, anxious, and less confident than children who were not subjected to shame or humiliation as punishment.
Those who experience shame tend to experience other issues like intimacy trouble, isolation, self-loathing, aiming for power to feel more valuable, and seeking perfection to avoid future shame. Shame has also been shown to elevate levels of cortisol, a primary stress hormone.
Empathy can be used to overcome shame.
There is an antidote to shame. By empathizing with others, it shows that doing something wrong does not reflect a person is wrong as a whole. Differentiating between actions and a person can reduce stigma and effects of shame. Next time you see someone struggling, the two most powerful words you can say may just be “me too.“
